I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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