theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
