he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
one might say we're banned from that church
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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