Soap is not a condiment
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i've created a new STD.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
