Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
