The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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