I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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