I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
