Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
BRING THE BAGELS
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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