You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
