so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
