the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
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i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
how drunk are you?
Several
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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