He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
