do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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