my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I need to calm my uterus...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
