I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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