I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
