Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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