Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
