The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
from now on my penis is your penis
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
