I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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