his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
