At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
