can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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