I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
