I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
