dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
tell me about the eggs
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
