I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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