We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
