Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
