the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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