We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
