I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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