Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
