chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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