I wish I could punch you in the face.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
