Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
