I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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