Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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