I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
