And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
