I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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