just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I seem to have left my pride at pride
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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