Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I am midnight drunk by noon
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
