Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
