It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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