you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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