I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
