The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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