I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
