He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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