yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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