Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
