Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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