Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize