i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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