so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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