he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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